Monty Python Story Two: The Adorable
by AdorableEric
Summary: My second Monty fanfiction. Read and Review
1. Chapter 1: The Adorable

**Dear Reader,**

**I don't own Monty or the Pythons that he allegedly owns but I'm wondering why the hell are you still reading this letter? And don't say, "It's because I am a reader!" Just don't go there.**

**Sincerely,**

**AdorableEric**

**PS: Review please**

**PSS: I don't own Do Not Adjust Your Set either. I actually haven't seen it. But I definitely want to.**

**Cuts to It's Man.**

It's Man: It's

**Cuts to John the Announcer.**

John the Announcer: Time for

**Cuts to Gumby.**

Gumby (Michael): Do Not Adjust Your Set!

**Do Not Adjust Your Set opening plays.**

**Monty Python animated opening plays.**

**A photo of a lemon is shown and this song is sung by the Lemming of the BDA people:**

**Lemons, Lemons, Lemons of the BDA,**

**Lemons, Lemons, Lemons of the BD-BD-BDA!**

**Terry Gilliam speaks voice over.**

Gilliam: And now it's Lemon time!

Lemming Voice Over: [whispering] Lemming!

Gilliam: And now it's Lemming time!

Lemming Voice Over: [whispering] better.

Gilliam: And this is my third line.

**Cuts to an apartment cluttered with papers and documents. Lemming is at the window, peering out at London's oppressive fog line and pondering something thoughtfully. Enter Dr. Fang, who looks a lot like Watson from the new Sherlock Holmes movie.**

Fang: Hello there Lemming.

Lemming: [still looking out the window] Hello doctor.

Fang: Oh Lemming, I really worry about you. When will you get another case?

Lemming: When I get another case is when I'll get another case.

Fang: Don't be rude, I'm just asking.

Lemming: If you can't handle me being rude, then don't ask.

Fang: I'm concerned for your mental health.

Lemming: And I'm concerned for your ability to stay out of my business. You appear to be losing your skill, Fang.

Fang: [sighs heavily] Have you seen Mary's coat?

Lemming: Changing the subject rather quickly now aren't we. Is something wrong?

Fang: No, I'm simply curious about her jacket.

Lemming: And I'm curious why you sold my watch to the pawn shop earlier today. [flips pocket watch out of pocket, briefly displays it to Fang, places it back into pocket] Luckily I realized in time and saved it from getting those ghastly scratches all over it. I can't stand when pawnbrokers do that.

Fang: Well…well if you must know I needed the money to buy another bazooka, since you ruined the first with your experiments.

Lemming: It was important! I wanted to see if it would still work even if its ammo was replaced with braces.

Fang: That's ridiculous.

Lemming: So says the man that is searching for a nonexistent jacket.

Fang: What. Did. You. Say?

Lemming: The jacket. It was left here and you still naively think it hasn't been destroyed? You don't seem to know me at all!

Fang: What happened to it?

Lemming: Acid happened to it.

Fang: How could you?

Lemming: [bell rings] I have a new case! Come in!

**The Big Cheese enters holding a gun.**

The Big Cheese: Hello again Lemming! Remember me?

Lemming: Uh, I don't think so. Wait, are you that guy that is homeless and wants money? Because I still say no!

The Big Cheese: No! It's me, The Big Cheese!

Lemming: What are you doing here?

The Big Cheese: Remember? Last Fanfiction I vowed to return if Fate necessitated it?

Lemming: …no I'm sorry; I'm just not getting it. You say you're from Fanfiction? I can't figure out how to send personalized messages. Could you help?

The Big Cheese: No, I mean I'm from the last Fanfiction about Monty Python by AdorableEric!

Lemming: …This isn't ringing any bells.

The Big Cheese: Maybe this will refresh your memory. Brian!

**Brian (Terry Jones) enters. He has the idiot writer AdorableEric under one arm and drags her into the room, all the while aiming a gun at her head.**

AdorableEric: Hey, sup? [nods head to room in general. Addresses Fang] you're a new character, how do you like it here?

Fang: There's a bit too much pointing of guns for my taste.

AdorableEric: Oh, mine too. I just give the public what it wants. Or rather, what I think it wants. [to Brian] What about you? How do you like it here?

**Brian opens mouth to talk but is cut off by The Big Cheese.**

The Big Cheese: Silence! [to AdorableEric] Look you impudent child. I don't want you conversing with the other characters. Now just shut up and stay quiet.

**AdorableEric looks like she's about to say something but decides against it.**

The Big Cheese: Alright Lemming. You've got 5 seconds to tell me…what Willis is talking about!

Lemming: [perplexed] Willis?

The Big Cheese: Oh sorry, I haven't been very focused today. Brian, how about you take it from here?

Brian: Yes sir! I want to know where the cupcakes are!

Fang: Cupcakes? They're bad for your teeth!

Brian: Oh sorry, I'm not focused today. Lemming, care to take over?

Lemming: Alright everyone, listen up! Let us all bear in mind the simple rule! The simple rule just happens to be that X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can't go very far wrong.

Fang: I don't think you have that quite right.

Lemming: Oh blast.

AdorableEric: It's ok. The writer is **completely INSANE.**

Lemming: That's weird when you talk in that bold voice.

AdorableEric: But it's so much fun! And so easy!

**Subtitle: Just do this!**

Lemming: **Wow, it is easy to talk like this!**

Fang: **And so much fun!**

The Big Cheese: **I don't even remember what I wanted to do!**

Brian: Uh, guys, can we focus?

Lemming: Oh, oh sure!

Fang: Oh sorry.

The Big Cheese: Ok Lemming, I want my toothbrush back!

Lemming: No, I haven't finished using it!

Fang: [to Lemming] Why did you borrow his toothbrush?

Lemming: No reason.

Fang: [to The Big Cheese] Why did you lend him your toothbrush?

The Big Cheese: I figured that since he's the good guy he'd do the right thing and return it!

AdorableEric: Heh heh, you guessed wrawng, fool!

The Big Cheese: Shut up!

Lemming: So if I return it, you'll leave AdorableEric alone?

The Big Cheese: Yes.

Lemming: Ok. [exit. Enter with toothbrush] Here you go [returns toothbrush]

The Big Cheese: Great! Brian, drop the writer. [AdorableEric is dropped] Let us depart!

Lemming: Bye!

Fang: Oh bye!

Brian: Nice doing blackmail with you!

Lemming: Our pleasure!

The Big Cheese: The pleasure is all ours [exit]

Lemming: Well, at least that's over.

**Do Not Adjust Your Set end credits.**

**Monty Python end credits.**

**AdorableEric wants YOU to review.**


	2. Chapter 2: The Interesting

**It's me AdorableEric! I am back! I am front! Disclaimers are silly but I can't afford to be sued at the moment…I just went to rehab, which, as you all know, is EXTREMELY costly.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Pythons…They own themselves. Anywhoodle, it is story time.**

[Average British sitting room. Terry Jones is dressed up as a woman and Michael Palin is dressed as her husband. They are staring out the window at something you can't see so don't even bother.]

Voice Over (an American): Here we see an average British sitting room… as if I would know what an average British sitting room looks like…are you crazy? Of course I don't! I'm an American with rights and I ain't gonna be pushed around by no one! I'm arrogant and self-centered and I'm proud of it! [A loud explosion goes off. A new narrator begins]

New Voice Over (John): Er…sorry for the interruption. I mean, he couldn't possibly have known what a British sitting room looks like, now could he? Anyway, that last narrator was atomically bombed for your viewing pleasure. Now, let's get back to the story. Uh where were we? Ok, here it is. Here we see an average British sitting room. Mr. and Mrs. Our-Cat-Was-Sitting-Around-Not-Doing-Anything-But-Then-We-Had-Him-Confused-So-He's-All-Better-Now are looking out their sitting room window for one reason; their son.

[The doorbell rings. Mrs. Our-Cat-Was-Sitting-Around-Not-Doing-Anything-But-Then-We-Had-Him-Confused-So-He's-All-Better-Now goes to answer it. The vet arrives]

Vet (Graham): [to camera] What a nice sitting room. And very British too! Well done! [to those-people-whose-names-shant-be-typed-ever-again] Well hello there.

Mrs. Our-Cat-Was-Sitting-Around-oh f*ck it!: Are you the doctor?

Vet: Well I am a doctor of sorts, yes. How about we take a look at your cat who was just sitting around not doing anything but then who was confused by Confuse a Cat and who is now all better.

Mrs. …oh never mind: Well, we don't have a problem with our cat anymore. It's our son. [indicates window]

[close up on window. The You-Know-Who's son (Michael) is sitting in the grass of the back yard- er, garden sorry- facing away from the camera and wearing a schoolboy uniform.]

Vet: Well this isn't really my area of expertise.

Mrs. […]: Couldn't you please check? We need it to stop.

Vet: Well, what seems to be the problem? He's not a poof I hope.

Mrs. […]: Oh no doctor, nothing of the sort!

Vet: Oh good. For a moment I thought I was…[looks dramatically at the camera] too late!

Mrs. Bracket-Dot-Dot-Dot-Bracket: But you aren't! Can you just take a look at him?

Vet: Alrighty then

[Vet goes out to look at the-er-people's son. Screen goes black.]

Even Newer Voice Over (Eric): We interrupt this program to generally annoy you and make things very difficult and take a long time talking about something random such as why we are even interrupting in the first place. Thank you.

[Cuts to studio where a newscaster is sitting at a desk, reading the news aloud and just looking very official. He looks up.]

A Newscaster (Michael): Sorry to interrupt that interesting program but something interesting has just happened. This interesting thing is very interesting that we are going to tell you what it is right now. But before we do that we'd like to take an opportunity to tell you about something interesting that happened yesterday. Something interesting happened yesterday. Also, something interesting will happen tomorrow but we'll tell you about that tomorrow when we actually know what is so interesting about it. Now we will tell you about the interesting thing that is happening right now…well something interesting just happened but it is over now so we wont even bother with it. And now back to your very interesting program which is so interesting in fact that I think that I will also watch it along with you so if anyone would be kind enough to let me head 'round to their place and allow me to watch it with them it would be most kind, and very interesting.

[cuts back to sitting room. Vet is standing in front of the You-Know –Whose-es]

Vet: I'm afraid that that thing out there is NOT a cat!

Mrs: Well we know that! [Son walks in]

Son: Hey mom

Mrs: ….oh, hello son!

Vet: Yes, it was just a simple job for CONFUSE A CAT!

[black screen, white words]

Distract a Dragon

Dupe a Dog

Jack up a Jackelope

Hesitated a Hippo

Out of Sorts an Owl

Zany-Brain a Zebra

Dumbfound a Duck

Perplex a Panther

Disorient a Deer

Fluster a Fish

Mystify a Marmoset

Daze a Donkey

Muddle a Mammoth

Confound a Caterpillar

Surprise a Squirrel

Excite an Emu

Disorganize a Dolphin

Shush a Shrimp

Befuddle a Bunny

Choke a Chimp

Freak out a Frog

Flabbergast a Fly

Deceive a Dinosaur

Mislead a Mongoose

Trick a Turkey

Swindle a Serpent

Enthused an Eel

Disconcert a Dromedary

Agitate an Ape

[Cuts to Eric the News Guy]

Eric: *singing to the tune of Good Morning Baltimore*

Good Morning Norwaaaaay!

Everyday's like an open door!

Every night is a fantasy *winks*

Every sounds is like a symphony!

Good Morning Norwaaaaay!  
>And some day when I take to the floor<br>The world's gonna wake up and see  
>Norway and me!<p>

*stops singing*

Good morning Norway! I want to wish everyone I know a Happy Leif Erikson Day! Happy Leif Erikson Day, Mum! And now it's time for the news! Did you know that the word news actually stands for North East West and South? How cool is that? And now, over to Michael for Gardening. Mike?

[cuts to Michael standing in a garden]

Michael: Actually it's called Agriculture. Gardening is for girls.

[cuts back to Eric]

Eric: *taunting* which is why I called it Gardening.

[cuts to Michael. He rolls his eyes but prepares to go into his Gardening- er- _Agriculture_- lecture anyway when John from the ex parrot sketch walks into shot holding, you guessed it, an ex parrot.]

John: Excuse me Miss?

Michael: Arg! [storms off…which is to say he left in a huff, not with rainclouds over his head. A huff, which is to say in a heated sort of way, not like what the Big Bad Wolf did to the Three Little Pigs' houses. Heated not like being hot, but as in very upset. Not that he was knocked over which upset could mean, but more like mad. Mad as in angry, not like crazy. Although at this point he does seem a bit crazy now doesn't he, because it's not John's fault, he just has a cold and he couldn't possibly have known about how Michael's masculinity had just been questioned in a very insulting manner by a smug Eric]

John: [to a Michael who had already left the shot as previously stated] I'm sorry, I have a cold. [pause] Well, I'm not sleeping with that producer again.

[black screen. A voice over starts as the exact same words are being displayed on the screen.]

Voice Over (Jones): The BBC wishes to apologize to all that were subjected to the awfully long description about how Michael left in an angry manner. We did not intend for the description to get out of hand like that, but the description seemed to need a description and that one needed a description too and then that one and so on and so forth etcetera. Now tune in to your local radio station for a very important announcement.

[a radio sitting on a table is displayed. Pull out to reveal a sitting room. Two Pepperpots are there, one being John and the other being Graham. They are listening to the radio.]

Radio Voice (Jones): Now tune in to your local television station for a very important announcement.

[John and Graham stand, spin the couch around to face the TV, turn off the radio, turn on the TV, and sit down. The TV shows Jones standing with John holding the ex parrot in the same garden where Michael and John were in the previous sketch]

TV Voice (Jones): You have passed the stupidity test. You are now clear to begin the new sketch.

Pepperpot 1 (John): Look, a penguin is on the telly.

Pepperpot 2 (Graham): On the Gardening program?

Pepperpot 1: It's the Agriculture Program. And no, like literally on top of the set.

Pepperpot 2: Should I adjust it?

Studio Audience Voice Over: No! Do Not Adjust Your Set! *erupt into laughter*

[Pepperpots wait for the audience to quiet down and then start again]

Pepperpot 1: No, we probably could just watch it.

Pepperpot 2: Otherwise it could lay an egg.

Pepperpot 1: …unless it's male.

Pepperpot 2: Oh I hadn't thought of that!

Pepperpot 1: That's because you don't have a brain.

Pepperpot 2: Oh, I do too!

Pepperpot 1: No, now we have to go shopping for a new brain.

Pepperpot 2: Republic of the Union of Myanmar!

Pepperpot 1: …why did you say Republic of the Union of Myanmar?

Pepperpot 2: Because it isn't Burma anymore.

Pepperpot 1: No no no, I meant what's the point of saying it?

Pepperpot 2: …I panicked.

Pepperpot 1: That's it; I'm calling Pepperpot 3 to have her pick you up a new brain.

Pepperpot 2: *whiny* But I don't want one!

Pepperpot 1: No, you're getting a new one and that's final.

Pepperpot 2: Oh you're no fun anymore.

Camel Spotter: [runs in] Who said that? Who pinched my phrase?

Pepperpot 1: She did, she did!

Pepperpot 2: Oh, lies!

Camel Spotter: That's it!

[cuts to Pepperpot 2 tied up on the camel- er- _train_ (sorry) track.]

Pepperpot 2: Help! Help!

Voice Over: Will Pepperpot 2 be saved? Will she get a new brain? Find out next chapter!

**Review please!**


End file.
